June + July: a brain dump
When you can't put any thoughts together, make a list
I couldn’t bring myself to write anything in June… Life was life-ing. Work, a wedding, a holiday with friends, busy weekends… mostly I felt like a lot was shifting internally that I couldn’t articulate or point to. Then July busted in and life continued to life and here we are. I started this substack mostly to keep myself accountable to externally process things I’d normally keep to myself. And I actually don’t really feel like doing that right now. I’m sitting in a park near my flat under a tree, and I’ve already flicked 2 spiders off me. I figure I can at least do the bare minimum for myself, which is just writing whatever comes into my brain in this moment, unpolished. Sometimes when I feel a little overwhelmed or stuck and struggle to journal, I just make lists of whatever comes into my brain.
So welcome to my Brain List, aka, Everything In My Brain In This Moment.
I’m thinking about starting therapy again. There have been a few moments lately where my emotions or reactions have been stronger than I expected, and not really in a pleasant way. And a few conversations that I’m struggling to process on my own. I think there’s another layer ready to peel off. Also, let’s all go to therapy. Like all of us.
Does meal planning ever end??? I have been really good about preparing breakfast and lunches for my work weeks this summer. But every weekend I am like, I cannot believe I have to do this again. I love cooking. This is the bane of my existence.
Which leads me to probably the thing about meal planning that ACTUALLY bothers me, and it’s not the cooking. It’s the fact that it is indefinite. I much prefer a life rhythm that operates in stops and starts. A semester, a project, a seasonal thing. I am struggling with my job being really repetitive and lasting potentially forever. I am finding myself craving an end. A change. Something new. I know the grass is always greener. If anyone wants to hire me for something that has more variety and also offers a visa, I’m available.
I think the new Addison Rae album is a recession indicator.
Today at work there were so many hospital machines beeping and doors opening and nurses chatting and people moving and my laptop track pad was not working and I got so overstimulated I almost cried. And yet I was incredibly present and calm for the mom I was working with and you know what, it’s crazy that you can have grace to do something your brain really doesn’t think it has capacity for.
I have just yeeted another spider off of me so that’s 3. I wonder how long I can endure this.
It’s weird how you can find yourself in a time where things are just shifting, and you maybe didn’t clock it until it was kind of just happening and you’re in it. And by you I mean me. Little by little but then all at once- my community feels different, friends aren’t as available or don’t reach out as much, there’s a different church that seems right, I urgently needed to cut off many inches of hair, I’m suddenly a morning person and voluntarily getting out of bed hours before work, and I’m bored (or “peaceful” as I’m training myself to say). I’m renewing my visa soon, and something about the internal decision to stay here longer has reoriented my brain toward things that will root me long-term. Like adding part-time work to save money for a car. Idk. It’s scary to think about staying here longer because it’s still far from where I’m from. But I think I just want to stay somewhere longer than 3 years.
There is grief in adapting and that doesn’t make it wrong. Being a good friend means adapting, not abandoning, when life changes. I really care about doing this well and sometimes I don’t know how to. And then I remember that I’m thinking about this probably like 800% more than most people and I’m probably doing fine.
Nine is my favorite number for no reason. I love odd numbers and 9 feels like the most perfect odd number. I hate the sound of ‘seven’ and 5 is an even number let’s be honest. 3 is annoying and 1 doesn’t count as a number because it’s so obvious in terms of counting. I will not be elaborating but I’m right. Double digit numbers don’t count except I also like the number 17. Actually I just remembered that I used to have a crush on a guy who’s soccer jersey was 17 lol maybe that’s why. ANYWAYS.
I’ve been thinking about these 2 middle aged ladies from my pottery class. They both have a lot going on… one has a raging undiagnosed ADHD and she is blissfully unaware of what is going on most of the time. But she got in an accident that messed up her neck and now she can’t even ride in a car because if there’s too big a bump or hard stop, she’ll be bedridden for months. Her life has a lot of limits, and she’s accepted them. The other lady is older and works in a school. Last week she was talking about her debilitating comparison and imposter syndrome. She sits facing away from everyone else so she doesn’t see their work because she’ll feel bad about her own. She struggles with dyslexia. Something about hearing these women talk about their lives so negatively was jarring to me. I hope and pray that when I am older, I am a badass gray haired wise and confident woman, sure of myself and free of the burdens of my early life. There’s something so sad to me about getting that far into life and still carrying labels of limitation and self-deprecation. I originally started going to therapy (like 10 years ago) because I just realized, I want to be free. I want to be as free as I can possibly be. And I just didn’t want to accept that I was going to live a lifetime with anxiety and burden. I don’t have a lot of examples of older women who are happy and healthy and interesting and fulfilled. But I have a few. I think that’s why I’m so motivated to put in the gritty work now.
My summer goals are to 1- go to bed early and 2- remember to take my supplements (spoken as a true person in her 30’s). I would like to document here that I am doing moderately okay at these goals! I would say 5-6 days a week I remember my supplements and go to bed early. That’s pretty good actually.
These last 2 months have been tender. Being a sensitive and empathetic person is not for the weak. I genuinely see this as a strength and an advantage in life but dang sometimes I am tired. I have found myself crying over lunch across from a friend on more than one occasion. I’m trying to lean on the ‘low hanging fruit’ and the ‘well worn paths’ that I know work for me. Easy meals, movies I know I like, routine, texting the friends I know don’t see it as a burden, taking walks, listening to whole albums with good headphones.
Thank you for joining me in this brain list journey. Obviously I am probably holding back some of the more scandalous and/or personal things, but I feel a little better just articulating some thoughts that have been floating around taking up my brain space. As a nosey person, I would be very interested to know what is on your current brain list.
Breathing In: Things I took in this month
🎧 Listening: No Bitterness- Alex G
I love Alex G. He’s from Philly and his songs are unpolished in the same way that someone with a very simple but cool outfit actually spent a lot of effort to put it together. One of my favorite Alex G songs (and probably favorite songs generally) is called No Bitterness from his 2022 album ‘God Save the Animals.’ The lyrics are simple- “My teacher is a child with a big smile, no bitterness.” Just those words, on repeat. There’s a few others words later implying some big questions… ‘and it’s a lie you never die…’ He’s wrestling with some existential stuff and he seems to find some direction (and comfort?) in kids. A big smile, no bitterness. I have worked with kids my whole life and they are the most forgiving and resilient humans- something could crush them on one day and they will wake up the next with wide eyes and fresh love for the world. Musically it’s very playful, driven by syncopated drums and signature Alex G vocal effects tuned up an octave, almost like there’s a kid on the track. The bridge-ish section in the end moves to a double time feel and feels like when you’re a kid running down a hill and all of a sudden you’re flying. I love a song where the artist is just contemplating an idea through music without that many lyrics. There have been some days for me lately where things just feel heavy. And I’m trying to remember to be taught by the kids I know. No bitterness.
📚 Reading: Welcome to the Hyunam-Dong Bookshop, by hwang Bo-Reum (Translated by Shanna Tan)
A relaxed novel about a woman who burns out and opens a bookshop in Seoul, South Korea. This is a slow and steady story that honors the beauty of simple interactions and the pain of normal life. You get to know the characters across time as their paths cross at the bookshop, and it’s a comforting read. I’m finding I pick it up and read little bits at a time, mostly when I’m overstimulated from doomscrolling or getting ready for bed. I appreciate the quiet observations made throughout and recommend if you’re finding your anxiety spiked by anything fast-paced. I’m reading it very slowly which also feels right.
🎨 Making: Face Vase!
I’ve just finished 12 weeks of pottery classes at a local studio and I am sad that it’s done :( I didn’t actually love this studio that much, but I absolutely loved having a weekly space where I could make things and learn something new. It has been so good for my brain and my heart. The last few weeks we worked on coil pots, and I ended up with a large vase. The last step was to carve into white slip painted on the week before and though my initial idea was just to do boring lines/grid pattern, I ended up going for this whimsical line-style face explosion. Or as I am calling it, “Face Vase.” Weirdly this was kind of significant for me because I don’t like to freehand stuff- I typically prefer a plan and a guaranteed outcome. So I’m proud of me, for doing something weird, and for opting for the more fun and risky design. I love this lil guy. There’s one face that turned out pretty ugly but we’ll just keep him turned to the back
These are the days of: weekends away, feelings, loving music a lot, crying in korean restaurants, crying in greek restaurants, forgetting to take my supplements, remembering to take my supplements, pottery, job decisions and disappointment, vacuuming, routine
Love you sis and love your brain and the brain dump 🧡